How to deal with an itchy uterus

It’s a question I hear again and again. It is asked by parents everywhere and often extremely hard to answer:

how do you know when you are done having kids?

I have found the answer.

Despite the fact that I have three very demanding and energetic girls my family has never felt complete. With my youngest approaching five and my husband ‘fixed’ years ago, I know logically my child bearing years are over, but my heart wasn’t all the way there. Luckily, I was able to find the cure-all for an itchy uterus.


The other day I spent some time with one of my nephews. At a couple months old he is now out of the newborn stage (way too sweet and squishy of a stage to solve my itch) and is now a full-fledged baby. As soon as my sis-in-law came through the door I had that baby in my arms.

He was so sweet and cuddly. I could feel my uterus twitching with each contented sigh and sniff of that sweet baby scent. My girls cuddled around him just adding to the problem.

Just as I was ready to confront my husband and demand he get his snip reversed, I realized my girls were overwhelming this poor kid and were one step away from mauling him like they do our cats.


Then the poor guy puked. I can’t blame him but still…

And he needed to be changed. While his mom scooped him up to clean him up it reminded me of the fact that after years of diapers my girls are finally able to wipe their own butts . I am also only recently recovered from years of random poop smeared on walls, floating in the bath and I still find the odd streak in cartoon character underwear.

At this point I think the baby started to sense I was turning  so we both agreed it was grandma’s turn to hold him. It was obvious he was tired and as she began to rock him and he started to fight his sleep it hit me.

Nope. Nope. NOPE.

I can’t do it again. As much as I love my girls and I love babies, I have no desire to fight to get another baby to sleep. The itch in my uterus was cured and the answer was found.

All parents of babies need is a break. They love the chance to have someone else love on their little one so they are able to shower, nap or even just get a break from the overwhelming task of caring for an infant. As a parent of older kids, all I need is a visit with a baby to see just how happy I am to have older kids to love on and enjoy.

And if my uterus starts acting up again I know it’s time to offer up my time to a parent in need of a break.


I sent my vagina to rehab: chapter one-a new hope

I just want to be able to jump on a trampoline. Now, this may seem like a pretty lame goal. Yet as a mother who carried and birthed three children in three years, I officially have the pelvic floor of a senior citizen. Just looking at the trampoline is enough to make me pee.

Just a little.

So when I got a writing assignment to interview a pelvic floor physiotherapist it felt like kismet. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I visited the office of Laura Apps, physiotherapist. Is it all stirrups and pelvic crunches? Does she have special vagina weights?

It was actually a mix of a gym and doctor’s office. Through our talk, I discovered that most women can’t even do a proper kegel! While peeing a little bit is common, it is certainly not something women should have to live with.

In other words, I need to do something about it.

So, I have decided to send my lady bits to rehab. After all, I am not yet 40, I still have many good years ahead of me in that department. I guess it is time to give back to a part of my anatomy that has been battered by three children.

I was able to grasp from my interview is that my first visit will include an internal exam to determine the strength of my pelvic floor.

In other words, it is going to be intense. Not only is she going to see my hoo-ha, but she is going to be all up in my business.

So I need to get prepared. To groom or not to groom? I don’t want her to think I am some old lady but I would also love a little mystery when a near stranger is going to evaluate my undercarriage.

Do people still vajazzle? I mean, she is a nice girl. I want her to feel I put an effort in.

Speaking of putting an effort in. I need to make sure that I start back at the gym and eating healthy so I can tell her I work out and eat healthy.

While I debate my grooming, I do have a secret weapon to help me out. I was sent a V-Sculpt from JoyLux to try and laser my vagina back to health. I have spent the last week staring at the box to try and get my nerve up to open it.

The box promises an enjoyable 10 minutes to improve the collagen in your pelvic floor. So, is this a solo act or do I need a spotter? The phallic shaped object also comes with a conductive gel. Against my better judgment I decided my husband home, but not involved, might be the best way to go.

So after ignoring the box for a week my husband finally forced my hand by charging his new best friend in our kitchen for 12 hours. After much urging, I finally relented to try this thing which looked like the world’s nicest vibrator.

Actually, the first time I used this thing I didn’t turn it on properly and it was basically just a fancy schmanzy vibrating device. Once I figured out that I never turned it on, I actually tried it out. I started in on three, which is considered beginner, and it timed itself for six minutes.

The V Sculpt feels like a load of laundry that has come right out of the dryer and shoved up your lady bits except the laundry is just a little bit hot. It’s not quite comfortable and not quite uncomfortable. It’s basically just a tad hotter than I like at level three, and it goes all the way up to level five.

Of course, a few minutes of heat is worth the payoff of not randomly peeing my pants.